Atobe's Diet
by Stratosphere
Summary: Aobe is doing some diet... why? because... Fuji, I don't have to say more, only that sanity and a Lolita dress are in this story... crack... slight Ot5. Disclaimer:not mine


Hi people I'm kind of bored so it does explains why the hell I'm writing this… thing… its OT5!! My favourite... Pair? Whatever, you get it, anyway… this is a one-shot… or maybe not see the bottom…

PS: "" talk, ''thoughts, () what they really meant or think, **()** MY opinion/comments.

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_**Atobe's Diet!**_

_Sunday_

Sunday, a great day, with a happy sun, blooming flowers, birds singing, fried chicken, wild sex all over the place with 5 boys, great food, cute Karupin, blackmail, Lolita dresses all over Syu closet for the use of his lovers… well, only Keigo, Ryoma was banned since he said that everyone would want to rape him if he wore one of those. That explains the misery that Keigo is into right know. Huh? I didn't say it? My bad, you see, Syu wanted some model… (sexy lovers) to use a Lolita dress (which is sooo tight and can barely be called a dress) but only Keigo was able to wear it since Gen and Kuni wouldn't look as cute and sexy as Ryoma or Keigo, but for… some reasons Keigo was the only one wearing it. Now you get it. To make it even worst because I like to torture people, Keigo didn't fit in the dress, he wasn't fat, NO! It was just that he would have to be anorexic to fit in it. And so, he has a diet to follow for the next 17 days. Starting tomorrow, which explains the fact that he is currently at the… is it doctor? I wonder, anyway. He is in the clinic with a doctor, who seems to know what he is doing by the way.

"So Atobe-san here is your schedule, for this week, thought I don't know why you want to do this since you are in perfect shape" the doctor said, even if it was one that Fuji recommended, the doctor seemed pretty normal. Hmph, weird.

"I don't want to talk about that…" Atobe trailed off.

"I see…" the doctor then turned to him **(wasn't he? O.o)** "I recommend you to have a journal of each day of the diet, it would help you, you can write how you feel, and what you ate, if you want, you can write what you did but that is an extra" the doctor said 'politely'.

"Okay" Atobe said turning to leave.

"Okay see you in some days!" the doctor dismissed him, thought if Atobe had turned around, he would have seen the doctor grinning madly at him. He then remembered something "if you want a change in anything do tell me!" Atobe only nodded, still not facing him.

Atobe walked to the mansion… er, did he forgot that he had some cars or something? Anyway, his torture starts tomorrow, and due to the author's laziness she'll skip to the day of doom, besides Fuji's PMS days, but that is other story.

**Atobe's Diary (Journal…)**

_Monday (First Day)_

Today is the first day of ore-sama's diet, ore-sama feels good, and writing in this purple notebook is even better. Now, what ore-sama ate? Well, it was a piece of blue cheese and a cup of apples. As ore-sama already wrote, he feels great, thought ore-sama have a little headache…

Besides that, Ore-sama shouted at everyone like everyday, molested the brat at the pool, bugged Kuni and Gen in their reading time, and jumped Syu in the shower… but ore-sama didn't have sex…

_Tuesday (Second Day)_

A green salad, a piece of bread, and yogurt, even thought ore-sama's head aches a little more, he can ask Kuni for some painkillers. Even with all this ore-sama feels great! He did some yoga… but ore-sama almost is stocked with ore-sama's leg behind ore-sama's head (if he keeps ore-sama – ing I'll go crazy!!).

Ore-sama had papers to sign and read… so he didn't do… something…

_Wednesday (3__rd__ Day)_

It was okay, until ore-sama woke up in the middle of the night because of a noise, ore-sama thought it was some dog dying, but afterwards, ore-sama realised it was ore-sama's stomach doing scary noises. Ore-sama drank some bottles of water; thought ore-sama couldn't sleep, because he was peeing all night long.

Note: don't drink water at the middle of the night, or too much water.

PS. Ore-sama had to see Tom and Jerry all night long… there was a storm… ore-sama regretted not remembering that the brat hated the thunder storms… ore-sama could have comforted him and have sex with him afterwards…

_4__th__ Day_

I'm starting to hate the salad, I feel and see like a cow eating grass (he is very frustrated, he isn't ore-sama – ing) I'm irritated, thought, maybe it is because I couldn't have sex with my lovers since my head was a drum in a cannibals island. Today Ryoma ate pork with mustard honey on it, I could managed not to throw myself at it.

Note: I hate Ryoma.

PS. I wanted to throw Ryoma and the pork outside the window, but for some reason, the pork seemed… nice…

_5__th__ Day_

I swear that if I see other piece of cheese I'll throw myself out the window! I ate a salad that looked like was laughing at my face. I'm trying to stay calm, and so I bought a magazine of many thin men having sex **(yaoi porn… if he gives that to Nanjiro, he'll be happy… porn is porn)**. I know I can do this.

_6__th__ Day_

I'm half dead, I didn't get to sleep all night long, and the little I slept I dreamed about honey and vanilla ice cream. I swear that today I would throw all my fashion away in order to get a piece of cake.

_7__th__ Day_

I went to see the doctor. Even thought I'm supposed to loose 18 pounds, I only got 250 grams. Is a trip to the fucking hell and back! I went all week long eating salads I only needed to moo and I would be a bloody cow, and I only got 250 fucking grams out of the damn way! The bastard of a doctor said it was natural since I had slacked for the 5 or so years without tennis, and it would take time for my body to take out the fat, and that it was because of the age too! (He is 23) in short words he called me fat and old! **(The hair doesn't help does it?)** Stupid bastard out of the fucking hell that is his damned mother that came from the bloody hell of hell of shit!

Note: get other doctor.

_8__th__ Day_

Today I woke up by a piece of fried chicken. I swear it! It was near the edge of the bed dancing one of Hanna Montana's songs… it was there dancing and staring at me, looking in my eyes… **(A piece of fried chicken isn't supposed to stare at you… they are headless…)**

Note: I don't know why, but my lovers and maids stare at me really weird, the only one that is still himself, thought a little more happy is Syuusuke… I wonder what is up with everyone…

_9__th__ Day_

Today I stayed in my bedroom. The fried piece of chicken woke me up again, the difference was that he was now dancing and singing a Christmas song that said 'Fried chicken, fried chicken, fried all the time, fried chicken would woke you all of your nights, hey!' I saw TV all day long eating lettuce, I think there is a plot… because all the channels were teaching how to make food, like chocolate cake, vanilla ice cream, and lasagna and other stuff.

Note: buy other TV. In a moment of anger I threw the whole TV out the window.

_10__th__ Day_

I hate all those thin men in the fucking magazine, they are like some stupid skeletons moving by inertia!

_11__th__ Day_

I kicked one of those stupid turtles Genichiro brought home, and I talked a very colourful language, my swearing-ranting went all the way to the other mansion, a very noisy woman shouted back at me, saying she had children, thought she didn't help cause she swore too… I don't understand why the maids and my lovers (excluding Syu) step to the side almost hugging the damn wall when I'm passing by, hell even the bloody wall receives more love than I actually do!

_12__th__ Day_

Soup.

I think the fried chicken and I are getting too vicious with the poker. Thought I already noticed that he stole money… damn

_13__th__ Day_

I went to the bathroom **(in the doctor's office)** to see my weight lost, and the stupid machine (what is it name again?) didn't move! It doesn't move dammit! (damn fucking machine). I started laughing my ass and tongue off, pulling my hair. **(This time)** the doctor got scared and suggested me to meet a psychiatric or something… was it because I said to him that I was the fashion _queen_ and that I'll sue him if he wrote salad or cheese in my menu again? I wonder… **(how the hell is that even related?!)**

Note: I shall not go with a doctor again, the piece of fried chicken said it was a random stalker, and I believe him.

_14__th__ Day_

The piece of fried chicken introduced me to some of his friends. The cake was sweet and the pork leg was a gentleman.

_15__th__ Day_

I killed the thin men in my magazine, I cut them in pieces! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ehem, thought I cut a piece of Mr. Waffle too, but it was genuinely and purely because he was threatening me with a piece of bacon.

_16__th__ Day_

I'm not following the diet anymore, I broke it. The piece of fried chicken angered me and so I ate him with the pork leg. I actually ate them all, thought I still think the cake was sweet, anyway, they'll knew too much. Ahahahahahahahahaha.

_17__th__ Day_

The headache disappeared and ore-sama is okay again…ore-sama feels HAPPY…

--

Atobe stopped writing since Syu entered his room looking for him.

"Oh, here you are Keigo" the smiling boy entered the room, and smiled at him… sweetly?

"What is it Syu? Are you here to tell ore-sama that he doesn't need the diet anymore?" Atobe asked, being oh so proud about himself…

"No"

"So?"

"I came here to tell you that we found a dress that was larger and that would fit you even if you hadn't done the diet"

Silence.

Silence. Silence.

Si…

"_**WHAT?!**_"

"Here, take the dress!" and his lover leaved him… okay, this is bad, he'll go ballistic now…

"…" Twitch

"…"

"……………………………………" twitch, twitch, twitch…

"…" .

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU ARE KIDDING ME HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

"…" n.n

"I despise you with great intensity"

"I love you too"

"…"

_Many days later…_

You are wondering what happened don't you? Well… Atobe ended wearing the bloody dress that even the spice girls despised… and you know what? Syu got a lot of pictures… and Atobe was great… theme of laugh… you see, he wore a Lolita dress for each color that existed on earth ever, and the gay flag… can you picture it? Yes… well I guess you are laughing… to make it even better… he wore make-up, earrings and had extensions on his hair… he was pretty manly lady… hahahahahahaha ok, you are supposed to be laughing your assess off!

"I hate the world, especially Syu…" ¬¬

"…" n.n 'Saa, good blackmail material…'

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**ATTENTION!! **Okay, you see I'm about to write other random fic… it is named 'Uke Pregnancy' as you can see, is about a lot of ukes getting pregnant… how their semes go crazy because of them and the poor doctor that each 5 months receive a new uke… with woman problems… so the question is… would you like it or not? You don't have to kill me, just yes or no, and the reason… and be nice cause I get depressed easily… **and**would you like a… sequel? Of this fic when Syu and Ryo are in PMS days? Okay that was all…

_**R**_

_**E**_

_**V**_

_**I**_

_**E**_

_**W**_


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